Hey, "fixie" riders: You have the skinny pants, the Kryptonite Evo Mini lock, and you convinced your parents to let you have a sleeve tattoo. You even even managed to pick out a my-first-bike color-scheme more eye-searingly colorful than those of your friends.

But what you lack is cred. To be more specific, what you lack is a rear tire shredded down to the threads by the constant wheel-skipping and butt-twitching skids required to slow down your brakeless machine. No matter. Just like the rest of your image, you can just go out and buy it.

The pre-ruined tires in question are lovingly worn Vittoria Randonneurs, and they're not really meant to cover your inner-tubes. They are in fact rather nice-looking bike apparel, belts made from old tires which resist stretching so you can carry your D-lock tucked into it for as long as you like. And at just $30, they're pretty reasonable for something that will doubtless last a very long time.

The Retired Belts product pitch isn't entirely without pretensions, though. Try this:

This belt is a symbolic representation of track bike riding in San Francisco, as they are repurposed from tires gifted from skillfully exceptional riders.

Still not snickering? Then what about this?

The individually distinct skid patterns on your Retired Belt reflect each riders’ experience on the tire and their ventures through the city.

Despite this, and the hilarious Craigslist ad which inspired the first part of this post, I'm still tempted, if only for the brass snaps which replace the belt buckle which would otherwise dig into your Pabst-based belly.

Retired Belts product page [Retired Belts via Bike Hugger]