My second son is two months old this week. Where the last two months have been pretty near perfect, he has decided that this is to be the cranky month. In the past week, in the middle of the night, I have hit upon several ideas that need to be invented before I begin contemplating having a third child. As I have neither the time nor the brain power to do so, I offer the list to the geek parenting community at large. I suggest these might be excellent choices should your child be uncertain as to what to present at the next science fair. They may wish to do most of the work on a third shift basis, as it seems this is when the ideas make the most sense.

• A pacifier tracker. We own about a dozen pacifiers, only three of which actually succeed in pacifying my son. Of course they are constantly going missing. I need a LoJack that inserts into flexible plastic and can be heard through a diaper pail, where my toddler thinks they belong.
• A toddler positioning beacon. I would like a device that emits a beeping sound whenever my toddler is in dangerous proximity to my baby. It can attach to either child, but should be loud enough to alert any parent that has happened to glance away for the 3.2 seconds it takes for a toddler to seek out said baby.
• Pressure sensitive bottles. I would very much like to know if my baby is cranky because he has gas to pass, or if he is ready to transition from four ounce bottles to five. If the bottle nipples were pressure sensitive surely they could tell me when suction was at it's strongest, so I could then determine the level of hunger present at the end of each meal.
• A bouncing pedal. My son loves to sit in his bouncy seat, sometimes he just likes the shape of it, sometimes he likes to bounce. I however have very little rhythm, and so if he wishes to bounce while I wish to eat, I end up covered in food with a happy baby, or he ends up screaming while I fill my belly. I'm thinking in terms of the transition sewing machines made, from a pedal to a mechanical pedal. If I could just step on something and hold my foot in place while the seat bounced, then I could once more eat a warm meal instead of wearing it.
• A burping machine. I can change a diaper in under thirty seconds, I can change a diaper using one wipe, I can prepare a four ounce bottle of formula using space age bottles using only one hand. I cannot elicit a successful burp from my son more than one in every seven attempts. Everyone else can, my husband just has to look at him and he burps. If there were a machine I could load the baby into after feeding, that would massage the correct places in order to produce gas, well that would be wonderful.
• A cry sensitive mobiles. My second son doesn't have a mobiles to soothe him yet. My first son had Wally, the Red Sox mascot, and a mobiles that tinkled "Take me out to the ballgame." It was wind up, and so every time it ran out before he wanted it to we had to wind it up. I propose setting up a mobiles with a microphones, every time the baby's cry hit a certain pitch, the mobiles could turn itself on.
• A baby monitor coffee machine. This one is the money maker. When the baby's cry is picked up on the baby monitor, a message would be sent to your coffee machine. By the time you and the baby are downstairs and warming up food, there will be a nice steaming cup of coffee waiting to keep you awake before the sun can.

Should you or your offspring make a million from any of these ideas, please feel free to retire comfortably, just send me the finished product!