Seven Possible Reasons Twitter Is Holding Its Earnings Call at 5 am PST

Most companies don’t schedule their quarterly investor chats before breakfast unless there’s a really good reason.
Most companies don’t schedule their quarterly investor chats before breakfast unless there’s a really good reason.

It’s a big earnings week, like, really big. Apple. Google. Microsoft. And how could you forget Twitter? Well, to be honest, I understand that you might. And Twitter gets it, too. That’s why it’s holding its quarterly earnings call tomorrow at 5 am PST, after releasing its earnings at 4 am PST. Hey, Silicon Valley-based reporters: set your Amazon Echo alarms now! Twitter explains its reasoning this way: “To avoid overlapping with several other earnings announcements in the Internet sector scheduled for Thursday afternoon.” But this is Twitter, and we at Backchannel are prepared for anything. Here are my seven favorite guesses for why the valley’s most popular, least realized microblogging service is going to make its analysts get up so early in the morning. Hashtag #5am.

  1. It’s 8 pm in China, people, well after the market has closed. Time to announce the Alibaba acquisition. What a trophy property for the Chinese internet giant! #5am
  2. In order to ensure he can give 100 percent to both of the companies over which he presides, Jack Dorsey will off-shift hours, starting November 1. Twitter’s employees will work 4 am to noon. Square’s employees will work 12:30 to 8:30 pm. That gives Dorsey 30 minutes in the middle of the day for his mindfulness practice, and it has the added benefit of cutting down on rush-hour gridlock in San Francisco, where both companies are headquartered. Thank you, Jack, for designing a solution to San Francisco’s traffic crisis, and reducing commute time for all of your employees! #winning #5am
  3. This is the only time that chief operator Adam Bain could squeeze it in between job interviews. Did we mention Bain is a whiz at consumer internet businesses? He’s really good at Pinboard. He’s got a killer sense of humor on Slack. He excels at Snapchat. He’s a team player. He’s not bent out of shape at all about being passed over as CEO so that Dorsey could return last year. And this guy knows how media companies make money. Before Twitter, he was president of Fox Interactive Media, for goodness sake! #5am
  4. It’s 12 pm in Reykjavík, where office space is plentiful, and where the company will be relocating its headquarters for cost savings. Twitter plans to lead the exodus to this small arctic island nation, which it will immediately rebrand as home to the Silicon Icebergs. The office perks will be a real draw. Rather than serving Kombucha on tap in the cafeteria, as it does in SF, Twitter will build an in-house mini-version of the Blue Lagoon for engineers looking to unwind. #5am
  5. Little known fact: Twitter’s trolls have unionized. They take off an hour from 4 am to 5 am every day so they can study up on best practices over on Reddit. So Twitters’ executives will be able to say that there’s no hate speech on the site, because it will be true…right then…for a few minutes. #5am
  6. Did someone askabout user growth? Sorry, I was yawning and I missed it. Coffee hasn’t kicked in. Can you repeat the question? Never mind, I’m sure it’s fine. #5am
  7. Head fake! Google/Apple/Microsoft/Salesforce is buying us!!!! (If you build it, they will come. If you build it, they will come.) #5am