[funky music]

Thank you to the good people at Wired.

Yes, thank you.

For quantifying our existence as human beings

through digital analytics, making us what we are,

just a bunch of ones and zeros.

[funky music]

Let's review what they've put together for us, shall we?

Let's shall.

[upbeat music]

This is what happens when you Google John Cena.

About 146 million results in 0.69 seconds.

Do you have sense of that at all, John, any?

That means nothing, like I don't have

any sort of point of reference.

[laughing]

It seems like the car has a lot of miles on it,

I'll tell you that.

One section that comes up is, People also ask.

Can you answer these questions?

I will.

Was John Cena in the military?

No, almost, almost.

I didn't go as far as to actually signing up

because the weekend I was supposed to go,

a friend was like, hey man,

I'm training to be a professional wrestler in Orange County.

Would you like to come with me, and I was like,

[snaps fingers]

I'll give that a shot.

Okay, does John Cena still wrestle?

Well, now that's an interesting question,

because fans of the WWE have universally agreed

that I can't wrestle in the first place.

[laughing]

So, for the past 17 years,

I've been making an existence on a program

where the nucleus is wrestling without wrestling.

Insane or just super smart?

This is what happens when you Google Keegan-Michael Key.

[mouse clicking]

About 11 million and 500 results come up in 0.66 seconds.

Then why did it take quicker for you?

Well, it's because it's, um,

hundreds of million people less.

Oh, one section that comes up is that People also ask.

Can you answer these questions?

Are Keegan Michael-Key and Jordan Peele still friends?

That is to assume that we were friends in the first place.

I assume that.

Which we are, which you should assume.

We are friends in the first place.

In fact, we used to live together.

I don't get to see him as often as I want to,

'cause he's married, he has a domestic life, a child,

a SUV, the whole nine yards, and when I say SUV,

it's just a fancy way of saying minivan, he has a minivan.

Here's the next question, is Keegan-Michael Key in Us?

I hope so, I hope I am in you.

I hope that I am in your heart and in your spirit.

I have to plead the Fifth.

According to Google, people who searched for you

also searched for these five people.

Can you guess who they are?

Yes, I can.

Don Knotts, Abraham Lincoln.

[giggling]

Ulysses S Grant, Franklin Roosevelt, and Robert Oppenheimer.

Rey Mysterio, now I can't believe

I forgot that one. [laughing]

Brock Lesnar, both are them are trending, by the way.

[Keegan] Oh, they're both trending.

Congratulations to.

Ronda Rousey, I didn't necessarily make that connection.

The Undertaker, okay, all right, all right.

This seems very WWE related.

Dwayne Johnson, oh that, I'll be involved in that.

Who'd a thunk it?

[John] You know, right?

I thought.

Who'd a thunk it?

I thought my five.

Wow, I am not in touch

[laughs]

with what the Net likes.

Okay, all right, let's.

[mouse clicking]

All right, okay, so according to Google,

people who searched for you, me,

also searched for these five other people.

Just gonna go out a limb and say,

and I'm probably wrong on this one,

gonna go with a little fellow you may have heard of

named Jordan Peele, all right,

so we're gonna say Jordan Peele.

I also think right now because I'm still

technically a newlywed, people may be searching

for Elle Key, Elisa Key, or Elisa Pugliese.

Now is that three?

Now, that's three names who are all the same person,

so that's four, that's four,

and then after that, whatever Viggo Mortensen's character

was in Lord of the Rings.

Jordan Peele, I got that right.

Watch this, one, two.

Oh!

No reason for me to be that loud,

except for that it was genuine surprise.

Mmhmm, okay.

Billy Eichner makes, okay, all right.

Boom!

Aw, look at that, you are good at this game, I am not.

Yup, yup, yup, yup.

Oh, that, okay, all right, Donald Glover, number four,

so I'm two for two, two for four.

Don't do math, and Eric Andre, oh.

Love the Eric Andre Show.

He's pretty great, right, Eric Andre?

I love the Eric Andre Show.

Fantastic.

No, I definitely wasn't expecting the Lion King connection,

which is weird because it's only

the most popular movie that was ever made,

[chuckling]

as in like, so why would I not guess somebody?

This is a Google Trends graph

of your name searched over time.

Can I explain each labeled point?

A is May 30th of 2016.

Oh, that was obviously a day that will live

in personal infamy for the entire day,

and I mean from midnight to midnight.

I suffered from explosive diarrhea.

It was that day.

Oh, yes.

It was also the wonderful, happy-filled day

for many across the world as I returned

to the global phenomenon known as WWE.

Which caused explosive diarrhea.

No no no, had it before that, but.

Oh, okay, gotcha.

Made for an interesting return.

All right, in April of 2018,

that was a really, what was that?

Wait a second, I took a beer up my butt!

That's exactly what happened.

So, you know, to combat repeated cases

of explosive diarrhea, what did I do, a pilsner enema

as Blockers was released in April 2018.

Whoo, shiver me timbers.

Okay, this is a Google Trends graph of my name,

Keegan-Michael Key, searched over time.

I just wanna say, yours is so much more awesome than mine.

There's, wait what, really?

April of 2015 is a high point.

I'm going to, no, when are the Emmys?

[Crew Member] September.

September, or the other thing it could be

is that I performed with the leader of the free world,

Barack Obama, at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

I think that would be it.

Yes, that might be it.

Let me see B.

B is September of 2018.

September of last year.

[John] The entire month.

The entire month of last year.

Ohh, look at that.

Oh, the release of The Predator.

Yes.

I kinda, you know, I don't wanna be too rebellious.

What the hell happened in late April 2016?

Why are we not looking at that?

[Crew Member] Don't Think Twice was released.

Really?

Interesting.

IMDb, which is a completely accurate site,

has listed all of your, [laughing]

has listed your personal quotes.

You can't see me!

Word Life!

The Champ is here.

Whether fighting or spitting, my discipline is unforgiving!

You want some, come get some!

Are they forgetting any?

Well, if you go by the noises

of the current talking John Cena WWE-licensed doll,

no, because I believe I say five things

and those are the five things

[laughing]

that if you hit the doll, besides ouch! or ow!,

those are the five things that it actually says.

[remote clicks]

Well, look at this.

So, there are 5,693 images of me on Getty.

When sorted by oldest, oh boy.

Stop being, let's not be ashamed of our past, man.

Let's go, look at that!

That's the oldest?

Look at that.

What's on my wrist?

It's a bracelet of some sort.

I seldom, if ever, wear bracelet jewelry

other than my watches, but that is interesting.

2004 was a good year, my friend.

I can also tell you this.

I can tell you one thing right now,

that shirt says the word Detroit on it.

That I can guarantee you.

[John] Yeah, yeah.

[Keegan] That's, it was a, that was a Target buy.

[John] That is Motor City rendered tee.

That is a Motor City rendered tee.

I appreciate that.

John, these are your three most viewed videos on YouTube.

Do I know what they are?

Oh boy.

Let me just, just gonna speculate here.

John Cena doing something with WWE,

John Cena doing something with WWE,

John Cena doing something with WWE.

[remote clicks]

Oh, John Cena and Brock Lesnar get into a brawl

that clears the entire locker room on Raw, April 2012.

That's with WWE.

John Cena, Batista, Rey Mysterio battling

Randy Orton, Jeri-Show on Tribute to the Troops

in December 2008, that has to do with WWE.

John Cena and AJ Lee kiss after the victory

over Dolph Ziggler, November 2012,

and that has something to do with WWE.

Combined, they're at about 150, no 135 million.

My goodness.

No, not combined.

135 just for the first one.

[John] 135, 109, 106.

[Keegan] Yeah.

That is a, you think this YouTube thing,

looks like it's gonna catch on.

It might, it might catch on.

Wow, I didn't even know that, okay, all right.

We collected all the comments

from those sets of videos and made word clouds.

John, here are some of the words we noticed.

Wow, it love, fight love, fan, slap, la, hit slap.

[Keegan] Miss.

Husband, beast lesner.

Okay, can I explain them?

Love, why would it be there?

Because although I project an angular

and pretty much straightforward exterior,

there's a lot of love on the inside.

I think the Web understands that above all entities.

[remote clicks]

Hai, is, I believe that is Japanese for yes.

You got me guessin' on that one.

Slap, because it's what you should do to me

right now for not knowing.

[laughing]

Now don't, that's not an actual.

That is not an actual.

No, if I slapped you I'd just be hurting myself.

[remote clicks]

All right, Keegan, these are your three most

viewed videos on YouTube.

Do you know what they are?

We're gonna go with Substitute Teacher, Key and Peele.

We're gonna go with East-West Bowl, Key and Peele,

and we're gonna go with.

Just hitting me with the greatness.

We're gonna go with the White House Correspondents Dinner,

my performance with President Barack Obama.

Let's see.

[remote clicks]

Mmhmm, Substitute Teacher.

Bro.

Okay, all right.

Feeling good.

[gasping]

Really?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's a nice, lovely blast from the past.

Epic Rap Battles.

Hit me.

Oh, I got two out of three.

That's actually, that's really good.

I don't know why I'm so excited,

'cause I don't win anything,

but I love the Gandhi vs Martin Luther King Epic Rap Battles

'cause it's always nice to be able to feel like you can

have a little bit of fun and educate the masses as well.

You know what I mean?

Look at my Gandhi 'stache.

Keegan, here are some words that we noticed,

they made a word cloud and here are

some of the words that we noticed.

The biggest word that's smack in the middle, which is Aaron,

or A-A-Ron, is pretty self-explanatory.

It's something that is yelled at me across streets

every single day of my life.

Where is A-a-ron right now?

No A-a-ron, huh?

Do you know that you've literally ruined the name Aaron?

Oh, yeah.

Not ruined it, not ruined it.

You have redefined the name.

Yes, I apologize to every human being I meet named Aaron.

It's pronounced Aaron.

Son of a!

[glass breaking]

I've had women named Erin, whose names are spelled E-R-I-N,

come up to me, which I find very strange,

and I'm like, you mean E-rin?

'Cause if your name is E-rin,

then we can have a conversation, but A-a-ron is,

I think is probably the thing that I am most known for.

It is a moniker.

Dude, you changed, this is,

you changed the English language.

[laughing]

That's awesome, you've changed the language.

Mess, mess, why would mess be a word?

Would have been way more appropriate for me.

[chuckling]

John, we found this Chrome extension dedicated to you.

Where did you find it, my dresser?

It's not mine.

Anyway, [laughing]

when installed, each time someone opens a tab,

they will see a new HD John Cena image.

Thoughts on this?

Well, I have some questions first.

What is, is a Chrome extension what I think it is?

[Crew Member] Chrome is like, a Internet browser.

Of course it is, that's what I was talking about.

It's exactly what you think it is.

Yeah, of course.

Any thoughts on this?

So, why would you do this to yourself?

Why, I, you want to search for anything on the Internet

and your result is me?

My goodness, that's a, that is a real,

there's a whole world out there.

Don't, take off the goggles,

break away from the shackles.

Use the Internet for what it's for,

peace, harmony, and togetherness.

[Keegan] That's it.

And connecting us all.

That's what it's for.

Yeah, exactly.

So, Keegan, these are your top 10

most popular Reddit posts.

Okay, let me see here, and this is your most up-voted one.

Jordan Peele and Keegan-Michael Key

reunited after the Oscars.

Can I describe this moment?

Yeah, right here I'm about to plant a big one on Jordan.

It's just utter unabashed pride.

Actually, no literally, what it is is me and Jordan going,

if you look right behind me, there's Christopher Walken.

[John] See, I was just gonna say.

That's what happening in that moment.

I don't want you to miss

[laughing]

Christopher Walken calling for more cowbell.

I don't want you to miss that.

John, these are your top-rated movies on Rotten Tomatoes.

That, I mean, get ready.

Can you explain your role in all of these?

[remote clicks]

Bumblebee, yes, I was a conflicted force of the military

thinking that Transformers are here to end

our locust-like existence only to find out

that some of them have friendly personalities

and some of them have angry personalities

and a movie ensues around it.

Tour de Pharmacy.

I was a cyclist who was obsessed

that I did not possess rage.

Yeah, I was possessing large amounts of rage

as I would inject myself with cheetah blood

and I was accused of being a cheetah,

but I was a human not a cheetah.

I just had cheetah blood inside of me.

[remote clicks]

Trainwreck, I was a confused, toxically masculine boyfriend

of Amy Schumer who when brought to light

with serious questions of where do we go next

in our relationship just continued to go

in a downward spiral with not knowing exactly who he is.

Blockers, a protective dad raising an athletic girl,

almost wishing she was a boy, who eventually

will do anything to save his daughter

from making the big mistake of her life,

including a pilsner enema.

The next movie coming out that should be on here

is Playing with Fire, where I play

a rugged leader-like superintendent who is flanked by

the comedic chops of Keegan-Michael Key

and realizes that there's more to life than fighting fires

when I challenge myself with the biggest challenge to date,

babysitting three kids.

He's flanked by my chops.

[grunting]

Keegan, these are the top hashtags

on Instagram with your name.

Okay, so we have #keeganmichaelkey, #keeganmichaelkeys,

which means that there must be

a clone of me out there someplace,

#keeganmichaelkeyfans, #keeganmichaelkeye, K-E-Y-E,

which is an interesting spelling.

You would still pronounce it the same way, and then

#keeganmichaelkeyisreallyniceinperson

andveryconsideratehewouldbearobinifhewasabird.

I'm sorry, let's go over that again.

#keeganmichaelkeyisreallyniceinperson

andveryconsideratehewouldbearobinifhewasabird.

This could, is this, this may be

the longest hashtag written, and you're right.

Also, I appreciate you saying I would be a robin,

robin, robin redbreast.

I really appreciate that.

The robin is the state bird of my home state of Michigan,

so I really appreciate the fact

that you would call me a robin.

I feel like somebody's actually done their due diligence

in their homework there.

Roger that.

Well, thank you guys for really putting me in my place

and telling me exactly where I stand

amongst the culture of the Internet.

I am so much more charged to attack my day,

and by that I mean, we're on the 36th floor of a hotel

and I want to sprint towards that window

to see if it breaks and I can hit the ground fast

at -9.8 meters per second squared.

I'm not gonna do that.

Somebody grab my camera.

Oh, you're not, you're not gonna do that?

Not gonna do that.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm not gonna do that.

Just gonna package that away and just maybe years from now,

in a therapist's office discuss what you guys

have done to me, so thanks guys, appreciate it.