I'm Dr. Orna Goralnik,

psychologist and psychoanalyst.

I'm here to answer your questions from the internet.

This is Couples Therapy Support.

[upbeat music]

Hi, sweetie.

All right, Level-Studio says,

'You shouldn't have to change

for your partner' is an extremely silly oversimplification.

I agree that it's a silly oversimplification,

but there is some wisdom in it.

When people come to therapy

to see a couple's therapist,

their hidden agenda is,

Here's my partner,

help me change them.

And one of the main things I have

to do in couples therapy is kind of reverse

that assumption that really what needs

to happen is your partner needs to change

because that is not how it works.

For couples to live well together,

each person needs to take responsibility for themselves

and see what they can change within themselves

and how can they learn to accept

and love their partner for who they are.

Now, that doesn't mean that we don't adjust

and take seriously how we impact our partner,

but that is different from expecting your partner

to truly change.

Depresso_espresso asks,

My boyfriend thinks he should say

whatever hurtful thing is on his mind

because he values the truth.

Well, that is not helpful.

If you're talking in hurtful ways to your partner,

that is just not interesting, not helpful,

only damaging.

The truth is not everything

that comes to your mind.

The truth is what is constructive to the relationship.

Mutiny34 is asking,

Reddit, if you have to ask yourself

if you love your partner,

does that mean you don't?

No, that doesn't mean you don't.

People's feelings are something that comes and goes

and changes all the time depending on the external

and internal weather,

depending on things that are happening around us,

whether it's in the relationship

or outside in the world.

So the way we feel changes all the time.

Even though there might be a very steady undercurrent

of love,

the way you feel from moment to moment

or day to day can change

and sometimes you can lose touch with parts of yourself.

And those are moments when you might ask yourself,

wait, what's happening here?

How do I feel?

And that's normal.

DearSchenelle exclaims,

My boyfriend can't have female friends!

Don't care.

Controlling your partner is

probably not gonna be a good recipe

for a solid relationship

and for a mutually respectful relationship.

You want people to be happy.

You want them to have like rich and full lives.

And if your relationship is based

on limiting your partner's experience in the world,

that is gonna eventually kill the relationship.

Zanefoxxo asks,

How do you know your partner is the one?

I don't know if there is the one.

I don't know.

It depends on what your philosophy of life is.

When do you decide

to really commit yourself to another person?

Depends on many things.

I don't know what it means really to be the one,

but if you are in a relationship in which you're growing

and thriving and feeling a lot of love

and respect for your partner,

that sounds pretty good.

I think people carry

within them a lot of intense fantasies

that sometimes get in the way of being in reality.

If you're in a good relationship

and you are thriving,

your life is getting better,

and you're full of love,

that sounds pretty good.

kolejo_anu asks,

What do you all do when your partner needs space

and you crave closeness?

That is actually almost the most common dynamic

that gets formed in a relationship.

And sometimes people can take turns

in terms of who's the one that wants

and who's the one that retreats.

I sometimes think of it as a hair dryer kind

of chasing a paper bag.

There's always some dynamic of push and pull.

And what do you do about it?

First of all,

accept that that's a common dynamic.

If you use the metaphor of the hairdryer,

you might realize that sometimes the more you push,

the more the other person will need to retreat.

So sometimes it's a good idea

to paradoxically turn things around.

And when you realize that someone needs space,

move back, lean back,

take your own space,

take care of yourself,

do what you need.

And then when it's time,

you'll both come back together.

seppe_the-stud is asking,

Is it just me

or does couple therapy sound fun?

Like I'm just allowed to talk [short beep]

to my significant other like they ain't sitting

right next to me.

Okay.

I do think couples therapy can be fun,

obviously that's what I do.

I don't think couples therapy is talking [short beep]

about your significant others.

That's not a good use of the therapeutic space,

but it's a good chance to talk about things

that it feels too risky

to talk about when you're on your own.

And what you learn

in couples therapy is how to create space

for a more risk taking, dynamic,

interesting conversation

that eventually you'll be able to take home

and you won't need your couples therapist for.

A Reddit user asks,

Is the inner child real or just therapy jargon?

It's definitely therapy jargon,

but it's also a real thing in the sense

that we all carry within us our childhood

and memories of what it was like to be a child.

And we still have needs

and feelings that pertain to that part of ourselves.

Now, some people continuously grow from their inner child

and keep evolving and evolving and evolving,

and some people live in a more fragmented

or dissociated way.

I'm not saying this is a pathological way of being.

It's just we're different that way.

And some people really do keep within themselves a part

that really is like an inner child,

a part of themselves that hasn't necessarily developed

and that they regress to

or turn to under certain situations.

And then they really feel inside like a child.

But I think it's important for us

when we love another person to actually tune in

and to see that all of us still have childish,

vulnerable, needy, small parts

that are worth paying attention to.

KtSaidIt asks,

Are couples therapists not allowed

to tell their clients to break up?

It's not that we're not allowed as couples therapists

to tell people to break up.

I'm sure plenty of couples therapists do say to people,

Maybe it's time to break up.

I tend to be kind of indeed an optimist and a romantic.

Most of the time,

I like to support couples in their attempt

to find each other,

and I don't really see my job

as to tell people how to live their lives.

I assume if they're coming to see me,

they want to figure out a way to make things work.

And it might be really challenging

and that's a good challenge to face

because the challenge in a relationship is

to find a way to accept and know your partner

and take them as they are

and address what is coming up in you

that is getting in the way.

wasthischeating asks,

Last night, I thought of another man

while having sex with my husband.

Should I tell him?

There's no one answer to that.

I mean, one's fantasy life is generally

one's private experience

and you don't owe it to anyone.

But for some people in relationships,

it's actually exciting

and a fun thing to know about what's going on

in your partner's fantasy life.

And for some people,

it's too threatening.

So depends on your partner.

Tiam_2me is asking,

Successful couples don't fight less than other couples,

they fight better.

That's a quote from John Gottman

and Julie Schwartz Gottman.

Oh, have done a lot of research on couples work.

I agree with that statement.

Not disagreeing

or not fighting is not a realistic possibility

between two people that are obviously different

'cause you're two people,

so you're not gonna see the same way,

you're not gonna need the same things,

you're gonna disagree on things,

but then what happens when you disagree?

Couples form a certain kind

of political system between them.

So are you an autocratic political system?

Do you try to control each other

or do you try a democratic way of negotiating difference?

Listen well to each other.

Figure out how to compromise.

Figure out how to take turns.

Fighting well is an art.

BipolarMindAtNotEase asks,

Do men not realize

that only showing affection

when they want sex makes us disinclined

to physical touch?

Yeah, that is a pretty common thing

that women complain about.

I think one of the issues here is that certain men,

and this is luckily changing

with the younger generation,

sometimes do not really know

how to establish a feeling

of connection, and affection,

and warmth when it's not sexual.

Meaning they have sex as one

of their only languages to actually feel close

to another person,

which can be off-puting to a woman

who has other ways of feeling affection and connection.

Part of the work is to expand the vocabulary

of what the man learns how to do in a way model

and teach what it means

to be affectionate when it doesn't immediately equal sex.

sauvageonautopilot asks,

For those with homophobic parents,

how do I do it?

Tough.

Depends how deep it goes.

I mean, some people are homophobic

because of just lack of knowledge

and not enough experience in the world.

That can be a pretty thin layer of homophobia

that with enough patience and time,

it's easy to break through.

When homophobia is deep-seated

and steeped in like a certain kind of fear and bigotry,

I think part of it is patience

and part of it is developing really good boundaries

and not letting the homophobic parent poison your life.

A Reddit user asks,

Is it common to just listen

to your client and provide no insight?

Yes.

Listening and helping a client understand

what they're going through often involves spending

a lot of time quiet,

opening space for a person

to listen to their own thoughts.

If you notice,

most of the time,

when people offer each other advice or insight,

it's kind of useless.

It's rare for us to be able to offer something

that is really helpful to another person

and it's better to be quiet.

MikeBane asks, If all feelings are valid,

then does validation essentially lose all meaning?

No.

Validation is often a very good thing

to offer another person.

People have a deep need to feel understood.

Local-Bit asks,

Is the truth more important than people's feelings?

In relationships, no.

They both matter.

So the truth will be useless

if a person is too upset

or too hurt to deal with the truth.

So in a conversation or in a relationship,

people's feelings are the pre-requirement

to dealing with the truth,

which is of course very important.

When I say that the truth is important,

I mean the truth of the matter,

like the thing that really matters.

I don't mean that facts are important,

but sometimes people argue

or talk about facts when they're really trying to get

to the truth of what matters to them.

And in that sense,

the truth matters a lot.

RebelliousMindBox asks,

What to look for in couples therapist?

I think, first of all,

to look for someone who you feel comfortable talking to,

someone who you feel like is wise

in a way that matters to you,

someone that makes both of you feel comfortable

and not like their siding with one or the other,

and someone who is not closed-minded

or biased in any direction.

You want someone who's open.

United_Biscotti_4402 asks,

What's a sign

that tells you a couple's relationship will not last?

Well, first of all,

I'm not necessarily in the business

of predicting what people are gonna do

and what's gonna happen

because people surprise me all the time,

but there are signs that alarm me

that make me feel like,

Ooh, something is not going well for these people.

First of all,

when the kind of goodwill

and curiosesity about each other has evaporated

for a long time

and all that's left could be a certain kind

of disdain or contempt,

which will kill the relationship.

Sometimes couples get stuck in patterns

that feel almost addictive

of like abuse or mutual put down.

And when I realized that I can't convince the couple

to move out of that stage or out of that mode,

then I think the relationship is doomed.

National_Mouse asks,

I am no longer in love with my husband

and do not know how to get back there.

That is a painful place to be.

Sometimes people go through phases

in their relationship

where they lose touch with their love

or the relationship is changing in a way

that the old love is no longer relevant.

People are moving towards a new chapter

in their relationship.

And they may need to be patient

and wait for this kind of new feeling to surface,

but sometimes the relationship really is dying

at least for one person,

and then it's a painful process

of starting to say goodbye.

burninego is asking,

If trust is lost in a relationship,

how do you gain it back

to show your partner you're worth trusting?

It's a great question.

Trust is not something that you can earn

by demanding it or forcing it.

Trust is something that one experiences over time.

And if trust is broken,

what needs to happen is that over time,

the couple needs to be convinced

that they're in a new and different place.

And sometimes it takes a long time,

a long time of consistent trustworthy behavior

that registers with the other person

and as a couple as the new reality of their relationship.

So, patience.

Intuitivempress asks,

Why do people think when they get in relationships,

they stop learning and studying their partner?

LOL, people grow, change,

and evolve all the time.

One of the things that happens in relationship is

that our perception of our partner can get fixed.

And while our partner is growing,

we don't really wanna see it.

There's something about it that might be threatening

or alarming to us

and that's when the relationship starts freezing.

But, yes, people are changing

and growing all the time.

Not to mention that we are governed to some degree

by our unconscious,

which keeps sending us all sorts

of unpredictable messages

that will change the scene anyhow.

So, yes, change growth is happening all the time.

Josleeky asks,

What do you do

if your family member doesn't like your partner?

Not an unusual scenario,

and it's not an unusual scenario,

not necessarily

because family members specifically don't like partners,

but when you form a couple,

you're forming a kind of a new unit

and the family of origin around

that unit needs to rearrange itself.

And that's not necessarily a comfortable rearrangement.

So people will resist the intrusion

of someone new into the family system

and that is a challenge for the couple

to establish their own boundaries.

I think if the relationship is important to you,

you try to really create a good boundary

around your couplehood

and make the other family members secondary

to your couplehood.

mugglecatlady asks,

Am I unfair?

37, male boyfriend hates cleaning.

Should I charge higher rent?

Oh, it's a funny way to phrase a question,

but generally I think it's a good idea for couples

to have a fair arrangement between them

and something that feels fair to both of them.

Now, that's often a very difficult question

because some people,

actually, most people view their own work as more

of a contribution than their partners.

If a grown man doesn't like cleaning,

it would be good to ask the grown man,

What would you wanna do instead

as your contribution to the relationship?

And it would be a good conversation to have.

happilyordinary asks,

How do I get over my husband cheating on me?

Complicated question.

There's no one answer to that question.

It obviously depends on what happened.

What was the cheating about?

Was the cheating in response

to something that's going on in the relationship,

something that you can work through in the relationship?

Was the cheating a habit

that someone brings into the relationship?

Hard for them to be honest,

hard for them to be steady.

Some cheating can be completely unrelated

to the relationship.

But just like establishing trust is something

that takes time.

Getting over cheating is something that takes time

and manifests in consistent behavior.

debrisaway asks,

Has anyone broke their family's multi-generational

codependency trait?

Yes, plenty of people have.

The passing on of multigenerational habits,

beliefs, ideologies, and problems is very common.

We all come into relationships with our own past

and with our family's past.

We all carry within us a legacy

of how to be in a relationship,

what to expect of a relationship.

I can think of a recent couple that I worked with

where the wife was talking about

how every woman across the generations

before her divorced a failing husband,

failing to thrive husband.

And she was married to a lovely man.

And she was like,

I don't know how I break this cycle.

How do I not assume

that history is just gonna repeat itself?

So yes, it's a common thing to do

to be influenced by past generations

and it's a good challenge to have to do better.

sarvam-sarvatmakam asks,

How exactly does psychoanalysis help the patient?

If I had to quickly summarize the main tenets

of how psychoanalysis helps,

and I think it's a very powerful and wonderful mode.

It is, first of all,

in helping us become acquainted with our unconscious

with things that we're not aware of that drive us.

And the second is to understand that

what happens early in our history has a powerful impact

on what's happening now in our lives.

And once we learn what we're bringing in from our history,

our own history, multi-generational history,

we can become freer of it.

chipotlelover says,

I'm in an intercultural relationship

and sometimes it can be so hard.

Please, any positive anecdotes, experiences,

or words of wisdom would be appreciated.

Yeah, first of all,

we're living in a world

where intercultural relationships are more and more common.

I think intercultural relationships

in a way manifest a more extreme version

of what it means to be in a relationship in general,

which is that you're in a relationship with someone

who is different from you By definition.

I find intercultural relationships particularly interesting

in the sense that what you see

in a much more explicit way is

how culture shapes the private experience.

It's always true.

We all come from a part particular legacy

and a particular culture.

We all carry within us different ideologies,

different class systems.

I mean, in a way,

every couple is an intercultural couple.

But when it's much more explicit,

I find that it forces people to really tackle

and be aware how culture kind of really shapes us.

And the work that couples do

when they're in intercultural relationships is

pretty profound work.

Okay, megannflores is asking,

How do you know it's the right time

to leave a relationship?

It really depends

if the reason you're leaving a relationship is

because of the how you are feeling

or because of something that's happening.

If you're asking yourself,

how do I know that I'm ready to leave a relationship?

Then you check in with yourself.

Are you still curious about your partner?

Is there still goodwill that you're generating?

Or do you feel kind of like dead inside,

like you lost the livelihood of your feelings?

Now, if you are wondering

about whether whatever's going on

in the relationship is time to leave,

that's a different question.

Is the relationship feeling too toxic?

Is it feeling like you are trying and trying and trying

and nothing is changing?

Do you feel like the relationship has sort

of reached a dead end?

Then it's time to go.

ErrorGlobal asks,

I think I have to leave,

but I can't bring myself to do it.

How do you build emotional strength to leave?

How do you build the emotional strength?

I think part of it is finding this sense

of truth inside yourself,

kind of knowing that that's the right thing to do,

and being both brave

and caring enough about your partner to do it well.

Meaning to do it with care for the other person,

for yourself and with respect for the relationship.

Tombul-Kus asks,

Husband, 37, male was upset I,

33, female, guided him during sex.

I'm not sure exactly how to interpret this,

but what was upsetting about that interaction?

If we're talking about a man that doesn't want feedback,

that's an issue.

Why not?

What's the purpose of having sex

if you're not communicating about what each other want?

But if we're talking about someone who gives feedback

in a way that is critical or humiliating,

then that's good to know.

Depends how you give each other feedback.

People are very vulnerable

when they're sexual with each other,

and they want to be treated with care and respect.

MeeshCapisci asks,

Why is it when you're in a stable,

fulfilling relationship,

people want you to ruin it with marriage or kids?

Couples often find that

even when they're in a very content space,

there's always this kind of drive

to take it further, to go further.

And one of the ways that marriage

and kids introduce this further

and more into a relationship is that marriage,

to some degree,

means you are forming a certain kind

of contract with your community.

So you're extending what you're doing

with your relationship beyond yourself,

and often you do that so that you're creating a space

to raise kids.

And for some of us,

raising is an incredible experience

that expands your own

and your couples' meaning in the world.

It's the option to take care of other people,

which is, for some of us,

like the best thing that ever happens.

liketearsirain asks,

Is resentment a normal,

inevitable part of all romantic relationships?

Unfortunately, we are not perfect as humans.

And sadly, resentment is a pretty normal thing

in relationships.

It's not a great thing.

Part of what people do, for example,

in couples work is they figure out

how not to accumulate resentments,

but to, first of all,

work within themselves about what's bothering them

before they dump it on someone else,

and then find a way to talk

in a way that you're asking for what you need

or saying what's troubling you, ideally, without blame,

and that's when you are less likely

to develop resentments.

mochajave asks,

Do you always fight with your other half

on the same things over and over again?

Yes, in a way.

Couples typically have one

or two fights that happen in one way

or another throughout their relationship.

Ideally, you want that fight to evolve

and change over time,

but we do tend to repeat the things that bother us

and matter to us.

TemporaryHeadache asks,

I, 38, male,

accidentally ended up tracking

my wife's, 38, female, periods

and realized that my entire life revolves around her cycle.

Concerned about her health

and wondering if I should say something?

First of all, let's ignore the fact

that one accidentally tracks the partner's periods.

I don't know what that means.

That's not an accident.

So for example, if we talk about women's cycles,

menstrual cycles have a lot to do with hormones.

So women describe like all sorts of shifts actually.

It's not always in one or the other direction.

Shifts in their libido,

shifts in how they feel within their body,

or shifts in mood and irritability,

shifts in how tuned in they are

to their partner depending on moods.

The other interesting things about these cycles is

that the pheromones change

and people who are really tuned into each other,

like the partner's desire

and level of libido can change based on the woman's cycles.

All of these biological aspects

of our lives have a very powerful subliminal impact

on all of us,

not just in this case, the woman.

DirectMaximum asks,

My wife always puts the kids first

and rarely pays attention to me anymore,

and I feel unloved.

What can I do?

That's not an unusual thing

to happen in a relationship when kids enter the picture.

Sometimes the partners need

to settle into being somewhat marginalized by the kids

that do take up a lot of attention.

But sometimes this said wife might need some help

to pull out of the hyperfocus on the children,

and that is usually done not by way of criticism,

but by making sure she has enough help

or support with the kids

so that she can pull her attention away from the kids

and back towards her life as a love partner.

Cranberryj3lly is asking,

How to address emotional regulation

while still letting partner feel his feelings?

Let me just first say

that emotional regulation is a hugely important topic

between couples

because there is a certain zone or realm

of emotionality within which we function well as people.

So when people are too shut down, or too excited,

or too angry,

they can't really listen to each other

and they can't really take in information

and they can't talk properly.

And how to find a way that you feel comfortable

with each other is the ongoing art

and dance of being in a couple.

We learn about our partner slowly and gradually.

What helps them regulate themselves?

Are there things that you do

or say that are too triggering for your partner

and not conducive to a good conversation?

Are there ways that you can, in your own behavior,

help your interactions be more contained?

And then you have to ask your partner to be responsible

for their own level of excitation

and their own regulation.

Downandded asks,

Why would a woman never really initiate sex

but says it's amazing

and she seems to overtly enjoy it?

There are many ways to think about this question.

I mean, one is in traditional ways

that men and women are raised,

women are not supposed to initiate sex.

They're not supposed to even want it.

It's shameful.

That's an old style way of gendering sexuality.

And then there's the question

of like individual preferences.

Some people are just less inclined to initiate.

They want to be pursued.

They wanna be found.

And that's kind of their sexual orientation.

That doesn't mean anything about liking sex.

It just means that's their orientation.

Now that doesn't mean that it doesn't change.

You can talk about it,

and you can see what works for the person,

but it's not an alarming sign.

shorshimon asks,

My boyfriend,

26, male, distorts/changes the story

about bad things that happened to him

and I, 26, female, can't take it.

Well, there are many reasons why people distort things

or change things.

I mean, some of it might be actual conscious

because they might feel shame,

or they might feel embarrassed,

or they wish things were different or better.

But then people constantly distort their own histories

and their own stories

because of defenses,

because they're uncomfortable with things,

and they have different take on reality

than what other people see.

Most of the time,

the facts of the story are not really what's interesting.

So arguing about facts

or distorting facts is somewhat of a waste of time

because what's interesting is what matters

to each person about the story they're telling.

So if someone is distorting a story,

what might be interesting is not arguing

about the fact of what happened,

but how does this person experience

the story they're talking about?

Okay, that's it.

Those are all the questions.

Hope you learn something and see you next time.