How was Deputy Chief Rollins's memorial service?

Condoleezza Rice's eulogy was surprisingly raunchy.

She can write a limerick.

Hmm. Was there a buffet?

You know, people kept asking me why you weren't there.

Well, my policy is to never attend a function

where I've done LSD with more than 20 people there.

MK Ultra was a weird time.

They seemed suspicious.

Suspicious, of dear old Henry Topple?

Why?

Everyone said you hated Rollins,

and then he turns up dead.

Good grief, Winters, are you the only one

who thinks I didn't kill Rollins?

Mmmmm ...

Aaah, I did not kill Rollins.

The North Koreans did.

How do you know?

I pulled the ballistics.

He was shot with the world's cheapest bullet.

Basically pop rocks stuffed inside a lipstick tube.

Definitely North Korean.

This is scarier than being a sys admin

at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Don't worry, we're gonna stop these bastards

and their Staxnut virus, even if it means

violating civil liberties that haven't been invented yet.

Which it will.

Okay, let's do this.

Fired up, ready to go!

I had the telecoms pull every email

that has ever mentioned virus, glorious leader

or North Korea.

I've already analyzed 11 of them, nothing,

only 36 trillion to go.

It's probably going to be a late night.

All I've got is an encrypted telegram out of Pyongyang.

Ah, a telegram.

How artisanal of them.

What does it say?

Pistachio pile neck washcloth parade tricky hole.

I think Kim Jong-un is taking a beat poetry class

or something.

That's no poem.

That's a directive.

Staxnut will go live on September 4.

You're high.

You disappoint me, Miss Winters.

I shall begin my exegesis.

Pistachio pile means Staxnut, obviously.

Oh, Staxnut, right.

So what's neck washcloth parade tricky hole?

Not everyone needs a computer to crack a code,

those are Yale references.

A neck washcloth is New Haven street slang for an ascot.

The annual Yale ascot parade is held in September

and the tricky hole in the Skull and Bones

subterranean golf course is the fourth.

Only par 2,000 hole in Connecticut.

Ergo, neck washcloth parade tricky hole

means September 4.

Why would a North Korean official

bother using preppy Yale references as code?

We hate them enough as it is.

Because this particular North Korean official

went to Yale.

In fact, he was my freshman year roommate.

(Winters sputtering)

Oh, look at the time, I gotta go to Pilates.

You should turn a light on in here.