Meet Big Data
Released on 06/26/2013
(futuristic music)
(typing)
(beeps)
(machinery running)
(phones rings)
Special Projects, Nicole.
This is Henry Topple.
How are you settling in, Nicole?
Good, sir.
The data sets are amazing.
Good, good, and everyone is being nice to you?
Yes, very nice.
Give me their names.
I will deal with them personally.
Oh.
Now I have a question about these 33-RLs you submitted?
33-RLs.
I'm sorry, which one is that again?
Miss Winters, deep skim summary
of private electronic communications classified transit 002?
Oh, OK, right, a email.
Yes, these emails you analyzed.
How did you have time to read all these emails?
There are millions of them.
Are you a witch?
The computer does it.
Oh, right, of course.
Line 10, read email, line 20, go to 10,
end of line, I get it.
It's a little more complicated than that.
We scan data for patterns and key phrases using algorithms.
[Henry] I understand, like Dvorzhak's equation key.
What is that?
It was developed by DARPA in the 1950s.
We used it to communicate with the hostages in Tehran.
It's a stochastic matrix of lettered dice
enclosed in a discreet plastic cube.
Are you talking about Boggle?
[Henry] Maybe I am.
Oh.
I didn't know we were using Boggle for...
(Imitating machine gun)
Kill the ayatollah.
Computers are more powerful than Boggle.
Oh, when I started this agency,
we didn't bother with computers.
We had disguises.
You know, when it comes to gathering intelligence,
a fake mustache is worth 100 computers.
I never thought about it that way.
I once used a mustache called the Undertaker's Broom
to infiltrate Noriega's palace.
Now, that was a thing of beauty,
probably one of the top 10 fake mustaches
ever deployed in defense of our nation.
I miss it.
What happened to it?
Oh, well, Missy, I'll tell you.
In the 1990s, our mustache budget was slashed
in favor of these computers that you love so much.
Why don't you just grow your own mustache?
Because that wouldn't be a disguise.
Also, I can't grow a mustache.
I can't produce testosterone.
Haven't been able to since I accidentally
licked a bunch of Forever stamps two years ago.
You know the Post Office doses them, don't you?
I didn't.
You know why they're called Forever stamps?
[Nicole] Is it because...
You can use them forever.
That was going to be my first guess.
(sweeping music)
Starring: John Hodgman, Emily Heller
Co-creators: David Rees and Brian Spinks
Animation: Flat Black Films
When Topple met Winters
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The Antisocial Network
Spy vs. Spy
Blackmail at 4:20
25 Reasons the NSA Should Hire Buzzfeed Staffers
How to Kill Your Boss
How to Hack a Telegram
How to Cheat to Win
Shout to All My Lost Spies
The Cougar Lies with Spanish Moss
Happy Holidays from Codefellas