I'm Michael Caine.

I'm Morgan Freeman.

I seem to be Alan Arkin.

We're doing the WIRED Autocomplete Interview.

You're making this more difficult

than it needs to be, I think.

Your first one is that one.

[Morgan] Is Morgan Freeman a

ballet dancer? A ballet dancer.

No, Morgan Freeman is not a ballet dancer.

Is Morgan Freeman a beekeeper?

In a manner of speaking, I am.

I have a lady, a gardener, who is the actual beekeeper.

They're my bees, but she keeps them happy and healthy.

Thank you very much.

Oh, I'm glad we cleared that up.

Yeah, we did.

What is Morgan Freeman like in real life?

Well he's a bit of a pain in the butt.

Terrible.

If you ask me.

We can vouch for that.

Yeah, we'll back him up on that one.

I don't lie.

What movies is Morgan Freeman--

God in.

Is that god or good?

God.

I played god in Bruce Almighty.

And a little bit in real life as well.

Just like on the set.

Is this my thing?

Is this my turn or not?

Okay, what has Morgan Freeman done for society?

Very little.

Does Alan Arkin?

Yes he does.

Does he?

Mmm hmm. Yes he does.

Well alright.

Does Alan Arkin speak Russian?

No, I don't speak Russian but I can still

remember the lines from The Russians Are Coming.

(speaking in foreign language)

You sound so Russian.

He's very good.

Well I worked for three months on that.

No wonder you got the part.

Does Alan Arkin live?

Yes, Alan Arkin so far does live.

It does not say that, it says where.

Read.

Oh.

I live half the year in Canada

and half the year in the United States.

See me later, I'll tell you exactly where.

No, don't you dare, I'll never speak to you.

You want his address, we'll give it to you.

Kevin Pollack does Alan Arkin.

Yeah, he does a mean version of me.

To the extent where he's left messages

on my answering machine as me and I thought it was me.

(laughing)

Peter Sellers used to do that for me.

That's great.

Who does Alan Arkin play in Argo?

Was I in Argo?

I thought you were a producer.

Were you a producer?

Yeah, no, I was a producer in Argo.

Yeah, it's me now.

Does Michael Caine...

Oh, oh I...

(laughing)

Does Michael Caine have a son?

No I don't.

I have two daughters, but I was very lucky.

I've got a grandson and he looks

just like me, only better looking.

Does Michael Caine have a gold tooth?

No, I couldn't afford it, I got a metal one.

It tastes better than gold, metal, it's more masculine.

Does Michael, I owned a Langan's, yeah.

I owned two Langan's.

What is Lang--

Langan's, I was doing a picture with

Sidney Poitier and he said, You're always

on about opening like a pole in Paris,

and he said, The chef where I go, he's always on about it.

And it was a guy called Peter Langan.

The restaurant was a massive success,

but Peter, it ended-- (simulating snoring)

He killed himself trying to murder his wife.

Wait, wait (laughs).

I asked a simple question.

What is Langan's?

Langan's, it was a great big brasserie.

Okay.

Do you want to hear the menu?

No. (laughing)

Pull this thing, would you?

Oh, I thought you were--

I'm holding it here.

Okay, next one.

(laughing)

Does Michael Caine do impressions?

Yeah, I do a great impression of me.

My name is Michael Caine.

You're selling yourself short all the time.

Yeah.

His name is Sir Michael Caine.

Sir Michael Caine, yes, by the way.

I would never let that go.

No, I wouldn't, no.

As a matter of fact, I want to change

my citizenship to English so I can become a Sir.

You would be a Sir instantly.

How did Michael Caine and Shakira meet?

It was in the days of disco and everything,

and out getting bombed and staying

out till two o'clock in the morning,

and my best friend and I, we were tired

and we decided to stay in one night

and do something we'd never done,

which was watch television, and there was,

a commercial for Maxwell House came on

and there was this, from Brazil, like little

coffee beans, and there was this beautiful girl

telling you they got a lot of coffee in Brazil and all that.

She was extraordinary and I fell in love.

I'll be right back.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Come back here (laughs).

I said to my friend, We'll go to Brazil

in the morning and find her, and I went down

to discotheque that we hadn't gone to that night.

The man came in, he said What are you doing,

the three of you, no girls?

I said, I fell in love with a girl

on the television tonight in a commercial.

I said, Maxwell House.

He said, We make that commercial.

He said, She's not in Brazil, she lives

in Fulham Road in London, so I phonesd her the next day

and she wouldn't go out with me, and I phonesd her

for 10 days and she wouldn't go out with me,

but on the last day she did and

we've never left each other since.

And that's how I met my wife.

And he's asleep already.

(laughing)

But he sleeps a lot, but you know what old people are like.

I hope this is different.

Morgan Freeman, go ahead Morgan.

Does Morgan Freeman have blue (laughs).

Blue eyes, do you have blue eyes?

Well they've got blue rings around them.

Oh yeah, I've got red ones.

Does Morgan Freeman have a tattoo?

Yes, I do have a tattoo.

I was in love with a girl and I had,

I was gonna put her initials on my arm

inside this heart, and when they put

the tattoo on I decided, wait a minute,

this is gonna be here the rest of my life.

Yeah.

[Morgan] Does Morgan Freeman--

[Michael] Like Trump.

(laughing)

Morgan Freeman does his own stunts.

If it's had anything to do with a woman, yes.

How does Morgan Freeman get his freckles?

I have this (laughs), special pen that

I use every morning to dock 'em on.

He has a freckler.

Go ahead. What is Alan Arkin?

Beats the hell out of me. Yeah, pull one of them.

[Alan] What is Alan Arkin famous for?

Falling asleep.

Alan Arkin is famous for quite a few

very good portrayals--

Thank you.

In some very good movies.

Thanks for finding a word.

I could name some for you but

then we'd really be here all day.

What is Alan Arkin's height?

I used to be 5'10 and a half and now I'm 5'9.

(laughing)

Everybody thinks I'm a midget for some reason.

What nationality is Alan Arkin?

I'm American.

You're not an American, are you?

I swear to god.

You weren't born American.

I was born in America.

My parents were born here.

Ask anybody.

Alan Arkin, even the name will tell you

you're somewhere else.

What is Alan Arkin's Oscar speech?

English, my speech was English.

What is Alan Arkin's Twitter?

I have no Twitter, I don't do any social media.

Life is too short.

Right, so much for that.

That's your Twitter.

Alright, now wait a minute.

I'm not gonna do this unless you give short answers.

Okay, I'll give a short answer.

Alright.

When did Michael Caine start acting?

I started acting in school when I was 10 years old.

Next question.

Hey, wait a minute.

(laughing)

And I played Baron Fitznoodle who is the

father of the ugly sisters in Cinderella,

and I got a laugh because my flys were undone

and I took up acting based on the laugh.

When did Michael Caine forget his lines?

I've never forgotten me lines.

You've never forgotten lines?

No, I have a memory like a computer.

What happened there is I said I was going for the--

You gotta read the question Michael.

I don't know what you're talking about.

When did Michael Caine say, my name is?

I never said it, it was invented by Peter Sellers.

When did Michael Caine die?

Jesus.

I haven't read the reviews yet but...

(laughing)

I've died in several reviews and in quite a few pictures,

but I can't remember any of them.

Did Michael Caine ever play the equalizer?

What's the equalizer?

The equalizer is this guy who goes

and takes care of peoples' problems,

like gangster problems stuff like,

sort of like Get Carter.

Oh an equalizer, yeah, I played an equalizer

in Get Carter, yeah, very very tough gangster,

but I've never killed anybody.

So much for that.

What are we doing?

You never expected him to run on like that, did you?

What's happening?

We're out of here.