(steam engine whistle)

So there's gonna be a movie based on Magic: The Gathering.

I have no words. Tap me. I'm spent.

I blame Hasbro. For everything, but especially for this.

They turned Transformers and G.I. Joe

into big movie franchises,

and now they're spending all of their mana

setting up movie deals for all of their other properties.

Tonka trucks, Stretch Armstrong, Monopoly,

Candy Land, and yes, Magic.

Hasbro brought in Simon Kinberg,

who worked on the X-Men and Fantastic Four films,

to turn Magic into a big blockbuster trilogy

a la Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings.

The Hollywood Reporter writes that Kinberg will, quote,

Act as the franchise's engineer, or Supreme Sorcerer,

if you will.

I won't, Hollywood Reporter.

I won't!

I'm trying to be open minded.

Who would've imagined that a movie based

on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride would be any good?

But the track record of movies based on tabletop games

is even worse than the track record

of movies based on video games.

Battleship,

Dungeons and Dragons,

Clue.

That bodes not well, people.

And I can't imagine that Hollywood will actually figure out

what makes Magic a great card game.

Because, surprise, it's not the backstory,

it's not the fantasy artwork on the cards,

that's just for pretty.

12 million people play Magic because of the deep

and complex play mechanics.

It's a great card game. Like Cribbage.

But play mechanics don't exactly translate

to the Syd Field screenplay template.

If Hasbro really wanted to make a good movie about Magic,

they'd tell the lightly fictionalized story

of some brilliant Magic player.

Like John Finkel.

It opens with a training montage, where he hones his skill.

Then he journeys to tournaments where he tests himself

to the utmost.

Maybe some evil counterfeiting outfit

tries to blackmail our hero into laundering a batch

of fake Black Lotus Limited Edition Alpha cards.

Oh, this thing practically writes itself.

I bet it'll come with a very weak ending,

and if you want the really good

Limited Edition Alpha ending,

you'll have to shell out a hundred bucks on eBay.

Lay your cards on the table.

What's the most you've ever spent on a CCG card?

Let me know in the comments.