(steam train whistle blows)

What are you, Bumblebee?

Do you even know?

In his original 1980s incarnation,

the Transformer Bumblebee was a VW Beetle,

a tiny, toy-like car that kids could relate to

because he himself was like a kid brother

to the other Autobots.

He also had a young, human-sounding voice

that was perfect for delivering stay-in-school bromides.

And remember, running away-- Leads nowhere.

But in the movies,

he, like every other element of Transformerdom,

has been turned up to 11.

Bumblebee is now a strong, silent muscle car,

a Camero that helps his human pal attract gals.

Michael Bay says he gave Bumblebee an amped-up makeover

because VW Beetles make him think of

Herbie, the Love Bug.

Well, listen, you vacuous explosion-monger.

Bumblebee is supposed to be a lovable mascot.

Also, it's disgusting how movie Bumblebee

seems to want teenaged humans to make out

inside of him and on top of him.

Ew!

But for once, Michael Bay is not

the ultimate source of evil.

For once.

Hasbro and Takara muddied Bumblebee's identity

long before the live-action movies began.

You see, Autobots generally stick

to a single type of vehicle.

Optimus Prime is almost always a truck.

Ratchet is some kind of ambulance.

Jazz is some kind of sports car.

But Bumblebee has been every sort of vehicle

short of a Zamboni.

They turned him from a VW Beetle into a Suzuki Swift.

Unconscionable, but hey, at least that's still a subcompact.

Then he was a sports car, a station wagon, a muscle car.

Bumblebee isn't a robot in disguise.

He's a robot suffering from

acute Dissociative Brand Identity Disorder.

How am I supposed to relate to that?

Look, there's nothing wrong with exploring new identities,

but with no stable vehicular incarnation,

Bumblebee calls into question the carefully-maintained logic

of the entire Transformers universe.

I think he needs to travel to the planet Psychiatron

and schedule thrice-weekly sessions with

the esteemed therapy bot known as Alphacortex Ultrafreud.

He transforms into a couch.

Bumblebee can gradually merge

his dissociative personalities-- carsonalities?--

until the one true self emerges,

because you're not allowed to be a robot

made of a bunch of different kinds of vehicles.

I mean, what is this, Voltron?

(steam train whistle blows)

What's next, Bumblebee the Pinto?

What make and model would you like to see?

Tell me in the comments, and subscribe to the Wired channel.