(train whistle)

Well, it's finally happened.

Dirty Harry's gone Broadway.

Which would be incredible if it meant

I could buy tickets to something called

the Magnum Force Follies.

Yes, June brings its usual scourge

of sci-fi tentpoles and event television.

But it also brings Eastwood's film adaptation

of Jersey Boys.

A musical about the Four Seasons.

Look, musicals are great, Rocky Horror Picture Show,

Sweeney Todd, Little Shop of Horrors,

I even found Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark

to be a revelation.

Though the Taymor to Bono ratio was way off.

I just flat out love the form.

It's like martial arts with melodious,

rhyming dialogue and an orchestral backing.

Busby Berkeley, Vincente Minnelli,

Stanley Donen, Bob Fosse, and where,

might I ask, is the movie based on Cats?

You know who could play the cats?

Cats!

Think of the social media buzz.

But jukebox musicals (groans)

They are a narratological nightmare.

Mamma Mia.

Rock of Ages.

Oh, you can sprain a plat bone

trying to build a coherent story

around a bunch of preexisting songs.

I mean, have you seen the 1978 Sergeant Pepper

jukebox musical?

Starring the Bee Gees for some reason?

No?

Good, forget I ever mentioned it.

Seriously, don't go looking for it online.

You might find it, and then your soul will shatter.

It's like looking into the face of an elder god

with disco.

The least bad kind of jukebox musical

is something like Jersey Boys or Ray

or I Walk the Line, where the songs make sense.

After all, it's a life story

of the people who performed the songs.

But I expect more from Clint Eastwood

than a straightforward biography

that recreates a bunch of old Frankie Valli hits.

The man is such a, he's an Oscar winning actor and director

he's an award winning composer and song writer.

Play Misty for me?

Classic.

And who can forget this?

♫ But suddenly my words

♫ Reach someone else's ears.

Clint, you should play a gravely voiced

Greek chorus in Jersey Boy.

We want to hear old Flint Eyes croon original songs

about the rise and fall of the Four Seasons.

Okay, Clint, after that, you can get to work

on Unforgiven the Musical.

The song Deserve's Got Nothing to do With It

will be a show stopper.

Which Dirty Harry movie would you like to see

turned into a musical?

Let me know in the comments

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