(piano playing)

(train whistle)

I'm disgusted by the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

movie, and it's not that I (record scratching)

geez, son of a (moaning).

No, I'm not just disgusted by their creepy,

all-too-human CG faces.

Why would you deliberately plum

new depths of uncanny valleyness?

I mean their heads look like me if my nose was sanded off.

No wonder Megan Fox faints at the sight of them.

(moaning)

No, I'm disgusted by the new Turtle flick

because it's completely unnecessary.

The 1990 film version with mobiles and expressive

animatronics, courtesy of Jim Henson's Creature Shop,

was way better than it had any right to be.

I love being a Turtle.

Even if the new movie didn't have those nightmarish

heads, the chances that it'll

improve on the 1990 film are slim.

Why is everyone rushing to remake classic movies?

See for every terrific remake,

every Phil Coffin's Body Snatchers,

or John Carpenter's Thing,

or Cronenberg's Fly,

there are a hundred sub-par remakes

that never justify their right to exist.

Some of them are so underwhelming

that they erode the reputation of the original.

(Clears throat) Robocop remake, I am speaking to you.

What the hell did you do to me?

Don't try to duck behind that awful Rollerball remake.

And these recent releases are just the tip of the iceberg.

I mean, what possible good could come of this?

Hey Hollywood, instead why not spend hundreds

of billions on remaking the movies

that you can actually improve upon?

Movies that had can't fail premises

yet still managed to fail?

I wholeheartedly endorse the planned remakes

of films such as Flight of the Navigator,

Black Hole, Green Lantern, Van Helsing,

Fantastic Four, Green Lantern,

Logan's Run, Jumanji, Green Lantern,

Drop Dead Fred, Green Lantern,

and Green Lantern.

Wow.

I know right?

Hey if you're taking remake recommendations,

the pre-teen space travel flick Explorers,

top of my list.

The original had no right to be so underwhelming.

Oh and I'd love to see a good version of Trancers.

Mickey Rourke was born to play Jack Death.

Or geez maybe you could go back and make

a good version of Let's Be Cops?

(guns firing)

What the?

My bad.

I know, I know, the original hasn't come out yet,

but the trailer looks terrible.

(electronic music)

What's your least favorite remake?

See I'm torn between the 1998 Psycho

and the 2006 Wickerman,

unless Thunderbirds counts bleh.

Let me know your picks in the comments

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