(steam whistle)

Sorry, I can't rant today.

I can only be awakened by a Disney film

with a completely original premise.

Yup! Still waiting.

Oh hey, I tell you what, I can also be awakened

by a kiss from Angelina Jolie.

Okay, that's never gonna happen.

Luckily, I've been awakened by

the fiery kiss of my own rage.

Disney made its name by pilfering storylines

from fairy tales.

But these days, Disney is going further.

Now the company cannibalizes its own retellings.

Live-action updates of Alice in Wonderland

and The Sorcerer's Apprentice,

endless movies based on The Pirates of the Caribbean ride,

infinite installments of a straight-to-DVD series

about Tinkerbell, and even--wait, wait wait wait.

Not yet.

I'm building to something here.

Luckily, Disney has also stolen several pages

from the book Wicked, which turned

the Wicked Witch of the West into

a complicated heroine.

This approach actually feels fresh,

and it's pulling in big box office

for the House of Mouse.

Disney did its own backstory of the Wicked Witch

in Oz the Great and Powerful, Frozen re-imagines

the evil snow queen as an empowered ice diva,

and now there's going to be a whole movie

centered on Maleficent, the baddie

from the 1959 film Sleeping Beauty.

Well, well.

I wanna hate Maleficent.

They've apparently turned one of the most memorable villains

of cinema into some sort of Lorax

who speaks for the trees.

But I can't, I just can't.

And it's not because she morphs

into a fearsome dragon.

It's not even because she has the

most badass hat in villaindom,

better even than Oddjob's razor-rimmed bowler.

It's simply that she deserves to be a protagonist.

Disney is trying valiantly to re-imagine princesses

as spunky action heroes, but the evil queens

and the wicked witches are the only

strong female characters in the classic flicks.

I mean, sure, Maleficent bends the rules a little

to achieve her goals.

But, is she really a worse role model

than that passive layabout, Sleeping Beauty?

Disney's also prepping a movie

about Cruella de Vil from 101 Dalmatians.

Smart move!

We could re-jigger the entire Disney M.O.

and do nothing but villains.

I want a movie about Scar from the Lion King.

Or the Underminer from Incredibles.

In fact, the greatest fictional villain

of them all is in the public domain.

Disney, look no further than Lucifer from Paradise Lost.

Just think of the potential musical numbers.

Disney, have your people call my people.

I'll send over a treatment.

Who's your favorite Disney villain?

Ursula from Little Mermaid?

The hunter from Bambi?

Let me know in the comments and

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