(keyboard clicking loudly)

(steam whistle)

Doctor Who?

I'm the Doctor.

No, seriously, doctor who?

I can't recognize the protagonist

of the BBC's venerable science fiction series anymore.

And it's not because he does battle

with high-def CG aliens instead of pixelated purple clouds,

like he did in the show's 1970's heyday.

It's because the latest version of the character only seems

to hold a doctorate in retrosexual fashion wear,

and empathic encounter sessions.

Doctor Who is supposed to be a cosmic Mr. Fix-It,

crisscrossing time and space to thwart robot overlords,

and disable doomsday devices

with his preternatural engineering skills.

But now he's more of a psychoanalytical shaman,

who helps alien beings unlock their deeper emotional truths.

What happened to the Doctor using his know-how

and ingenuity to overcome adversity?

Look at that.

What could possibly go wrong?

(small crash)

Can someone please send this 900-year-old Gallifreyan

to an interstellar DeVry Institute,

where he can relearn the fundamentals of galaxy saving?

Also,

Bow ties are cool.

[Angry Nerd] Scarfs are cooler than bow ties.

(soft classical music)

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